I blame the books I read in my tween and teen years for my confused view of femininity. I would devour the Sweet Dreams range of teen romance fiction, where a typical case of girl meets boy->meets obstacle->overcomes obstacle->falls in love->happily ever after would occur in each book. Sweet Valley High, with the ever so perfect Wakefield twins (who were 5'6", a "perfect" size six and the epitome of Californian Beach Goddess, in case you missed it) were also a staple of my literary consumption.
Very rarely were the girls in these books depicted as anything but the current social physical ideal. They weren't too tall or too short, they were of average weight and looks, and may have had some "flaw", such as glasses, braces or not knowing how to apply make up or style their hair like the cool girls. They were the chameleon girls, who simply by taking their hair out of the ponytail and taking their glasses off, they could be transformed from ugly duckling to swan and win over the handsome big man on campus by the end of the book. There wasn't anything wrong with them, except perhaps for a lack of confidence or experience in high school dating. The few times an overweight girl appeared in the books, they always lost the weight and THEN got the boy and popularity. They always got the guy they lusted for, and he was always perfect.
This is how it had to be, of course. What teenage girl would want to read a romance where the heroine didn't get the boy of her dreams at the end? Or where they went out and he dumped her because she wouldn't put out or because she wasn't pretty enough? We wanted the fairytale - the handsome prince coming in to sweep us off our feet before riding off into the sunset together. We wanted to know that maybe someone out there would want us like that, that maybe we could find someone who would look at us and not just see us, but want us like the pretty, popular girls were seen and wanted.
Or maybe that was just me. I get the feeling that there were plenty of other girls out there wanting the same thing, given how popular those books were.
Aside from giving me a very skewed view of romance, dating and teenage boys, they gave me a very confusing idea of what being feminine was. It's been a common trope in many books and movies for the hero to be able to pick the heroine up in his arms and carry her places, such as across the threshold on their wedding night, or out of danger. Also along those lines were the scenes where it was noted that his large, masculine hands could encircle her waist effortlessly. I always thought that those women must have been tiny, or that the men must have had extremely large hands to be able to do that.
It was feminine to be able to be picked up and carried with ease. It was feminine to be slim with a small waist. It was feminine to be shorter than the man. It was feminine to need to be rescued.
I remember very clearly one of the Sweet Dreams books, where the main character was spending the summer at her rich aunt's house, and she was constantly comparing herself to her gorgeous thin cousin. The MC was of normal weight, but kept dieting throughout the book because her cousin did. She tried to grow her nails (which she had a terrible habit of biting - there's one of her flaws) because the cousin had perfectly manicured nails, which she would happily file just to torment the MC. The MC fell for one of the local boys, who, if memory serves, worked for the aunt helping to maintain her property. This wouldn't do for the snooty cousin, no no no, you don't fall for the help, not the local boys. Not the poor local boys, anyway, ones that have to work for their money.
Aside from struggling with trying to accept how she felt for this boy (who impressed her by introducing her to Triomnioes and the word Troglodyte, if I’m remembering correctly), she was constantly comparing herself to her cousin. Essentially starving herself other than a handful of celery and carrot sticks to lose those pesky five or ten pounds that kept her from being perfect, she was praised for her efforts, even though it caused her to be lightheaded.
Was this leading up to some sort of warning about the dangers of anorexia and negative body image? No, not at all. Her aunt and cousin praised her efforts, and when the MC fell and hurt herself (which may have been due to starving herself, I can't quite remember), the boy she was crushing on had to pick her up and carry her back home. As he carried her, she couldn't help but think "Boy, I'm so glad I lost that weight!"
Seriously? Not, "Oh crap, I fell over and whacked my head because I haven't been eating in an attempt to live up to the ideals of people I don't even like", or "holy shit that hurts", but "thank god I'm not the lumbering lard ass I was when I came out here."
In the end, she came to accept herself (though she was happy she was thinner) and she won the boy. Lesson learnt - lose weight, grow your nails long, style your hair, dress in fancy clothes, get the respect of people you don't like AND get the boy.
It's been over twenty years since I read that book, yet those details still stick in my mind, and not because I thought it was good.
As a tall fat kid who turned into a tall fat teenager, who then grew into a taller fatter adult, I never fit the mold. Taller than average, bigger than average - it wasn't what being feminine was. Not from what I'd seen in movies or on TV, or read in books. Women needed to be smaller and slighter than men to be feminine. Not being feminine meant not being attractive, right?
In my younger years, that was definitely how I saw it. Who'd want the tall, fat ginger girl? The boys at school made it pretty clear they weren't interested, but that's a topic for another time. I couldn't help but long for those romance novel moments, but I knew no one would come to literally sweep me off my feet like that, and feel depressed knowing it wouldn't happen.
Even in my late teens and early twenties, these ingrained beliefs were still there. I couldn't be feminine like that. I could get dolled up for going out and try to make myself pretty, but I never felt feminine. I was too tall and too big. I had conversations about this with my sister, who was taller than me but of a 'normal' weight. She didn't feel feminine either. At a teeny tiny smidge beneath 6', she was taller than most of the guys, which a lot of guys aren't comfortable with. I'm the shortest kid in my family at 5'9.5" (our brothers are 6'1" and 6'3"), and that half an inch really means a lot to me. The times when I felt the most feminine previously was when I would be at work standing around with two of my friends who were 6'7" and 6'4". I felt positively girly there, feeling so "normal" in height next to them. That's what my years of bad romance fiction had led me to believe was "right." The guy is taller than the girl. The girl needs to look up to the man. There needs to be that physical subservience in play. Most men are stronger than I am, but that's something I could easily change if I really wanted to, but I can't make myself shorter without lopping my legs off. Even if I wasn't fat, I'd never be a slim enough for a man to wrap his hands around my waist like they do in the movies. I have a large frame, and I'll never be a size in the single digits.
Shaking these beliefs has been hard. I can feel pretty. I can feel gorgeous. I can feel beautiful. But feeling feminine? That's something very different. I needed to redefine what being feminine meant to me. It's very much still a work in progress, but it starts with choosing to not let the Hollywood ideal of anything be what I base my beliefs on. Romance can definitely happen, but fairytales aren't worth looking for. Happily ever after only happens if you work hard at it and learn how to weather the storms together and hold on during the bumps.
Accepting myself as I was, learning to love myself and my body, was the first step. Current social trends still say that fat is ugly, but I know it's not true. I don't expect everyone to find me attractive, because I certainly don't find everyone I meet attractive. I don't need to be fashionable, just accepted. Curves are hot, but only if they're "in the right places", not all over, according to Western thinking. Understanding that it's not about what others think, but what I feel makes the difference. It's about me feeling feminine, not what random folks on the street think.
It boils down to a few things - how I feel emotionally, and how I feel physically. Doing small things to improve how I feel about both make a big difference. Painting my finger and toe nails always makes me feel girly. Right up until the polish chips, anyway. Putting a bit of effort into my hair, but not over styling it. Enough product to give it the curl I want and take away the frizz I don't want, without spending hours in front of the mirror battling the straightener or hair dryer that I've never really mastered. Clothes that fit well and emphasis what I want to focus on rather than just covering my body. Dressing for my shape and not inappropriately. I don't wear make up very often, but I moisturise and use sunscreen to keep it soft and smooth.
The one area I really struggle in, is with shoes. I have large feet. They're a 12.5 extra wide in Australian women's sizing (at least a 14 in US women's), and while I can get shoes the right length, it's a lot harder finding ones the right width. Then trying to find them in the style and price I want...it's near impossible. I want girly shoes. I want pretty feet. I can't change the size of my feet, and due to the lack of choices out there, feeling feminine about them is very hard. It's definitely a work in progress.
I don't need to do this for other people. I don't need to lose weight or dress a certain way to fit in and make other people happy. I want to feel feminine for me. It's my take on feeling feminine that's important, and the definition only has to fit me. I'm not trying to redefine it for other women out there, as it's not a one size fits all ideal.
Part of this need to redefine femininity is because who I am has changed. I've gone from being maiden to mother, girly to womanly. What is appropriate at 17 is different to what's appropriate at 34. Embracing who I am and how I feel when I'm at my best isn't all about how I look or what I present to the world. It's something that needs to come from inside, and I can't let it be defined by women I'll never be. It's about having the confidence to me, and to be the best me I can. It's about embracing who I am and what I have to offer. It might involve a little makeup, a little styling and some fancy shoes, or it might involve a bubble bath and a trashy novel. I can feel feminine with my hair thrown up in a haphazard ponytail as I attempt to dance around the house in my daggy clothes while I do the housework, enjoying how my body feels, or dolled up and looking fancy for a night out.
Feeling feminine isn't all about being pretty or on display. It's not about being shorter than men or small enough to be picked up. It's not about boobs and hips and how much you have of either. It's about how I feel about me and embracing my womanliness. It's something that will continue to evolve as I get older, especially as I move from mother to crone. Feeling feminine isn't just for the young, pert and wrinkle free.
Self acceptance, self confidence and self awareness are the goal. That's what I'm aiming for. Not letting other people decide who or what I should be. Not being a certain size, weight or height. The relationship I have with myself is the one relationship that will always be there. There is no guarantee that anyone else will be in my life forever, so I need to make sure the relationship I have with myself is one I enjoy. Feeling feminine isn't a necessary part of that, but it feels good. And when we feel good, we're happier. Being happy is definitely something I enjoy and want more of, so understanding and reworking or removing those old, outdated and unwanted ideals helps me to keep that happiness more easily.
Have I redefined femininity successfully? I don't know. Do I always feel feminine? No. Do I feel more feminine than I used to? Oh, yes. I believe it's a work in progress, something fluid that needs to be adjusted rather than whittled into a particular shape. It's something I think about, but I'm not going to let it define me, even if I'm trying to define it.
Very rarely were the girls in these books depicted as anything but the current social physical ideal. They weren't too tall or too short, they were of average weight and looks, and may have had some "flaw", such as glasses, braces or not knowing how to apply make up or style their hair like the cool girls. They were the chameleon girls, who simply by taking their hair out of the ponytail and taking their glasses off, they could be transformed from ugly duckling to swan and win over the handsome big man on campus by the end of the book. There wasn't anything wrong with them, except perhaps for a lack of confidence or experience in high school dating. The few times an overweight girl appeared in the books, they always lost the weight and THEN got the boy and popularity. They always got the guy they lusted for, and he was always perfect.
This is how it had to be, of course. What teenage girl would want to read a romance where the heroine didn't get the boy of her dreams at the end? Or where they went out and he dumped her because she wouldn't put out or because she wasn't pretty enough? We wanted the fairytale - the handsome prince coming in to sweep us off our feet before riding off into the sunset together. We wanted to know that maybe someone out there would want us like that, that maybe we could find someone who would look at us and not just see us, but want us like the pretty, popular girls were seen and wanted.
Or maybe that was just me. I get the feeling that there were plenty of other girls out there wanting the same thing, given how popular those books were.
Aside from giving me a very skewed view of romance, dating and teenage boys, they gave me a very confusing idea of what being feminine was. It's been a common trope in many books and movies for the hero to be able to pick the heroine up in his arms and carry her places, such as across the threshold on their wedding night, or out of danger. Also along those lines were the scenes where it was noted that his large, masculine hands could encircle her waist effortlessly. I always thought that those women must have been tiny, or that the men must have had extremely large hands to be able to do that.
It was feminine to be able to be picked up and carried with ease. It was feminine to be slim with a small waist. It was feminine to be shorter than the man. It was feminine to need to be rescued.
I remember very clearly one of the Sweet Dreams books, where the main character was spending the summer at her rich aunt's house, and she was constantly comparing herself to her gorgeous thin cousin. The MC was of normal weight, but kept dieting throughout the book because her cousin did. She tried to grow her nails (which she had a terrible habit of biting - there's one of her flaws) because the cousin had perfectly manicured nails, which she would happily file just to torment the MC. The MC fell for one of the local boys, who, if memory serves, worked for the aunt helping to maintain her property. This wouldn't do for the snooty cousin, no no no, you don't fall for the help, not the local boys. Not the poor local boys, anyway, ones that have to work for their money.
Aside from struggling with trying to accept how she felt for this boy (who impressed her by introducing her to Triomnioes and the word Troglodyte, if I’m remembering correctly), she was constantly comparing herself to her cousin. Essentially starving herself other than a handful of celery and carrot sticks to lose those pesky five or ten pounds that kept her from being perfect, she was praised for her efforts, even though it caused her to be lightheaded.
Was this leading up to some sort of warning about the dangers of anorexia and negative body image? No, not at all. Her aunt and cousin praised her efforts, and when the MC fell and hurt herself (which may have been due to starving herself, I can't quite remember), the boy she was crushing on had to pick her up and carry her back home. As he carried her, she couldn't help but think "Boy, I'm so glad I lost that weight!"
Seriously? Not, "Oh crap, I fell over and whacked my head because I haven't been eating in an attempt to live up to the ideals of people I don't even like", or "holy shit that hurts", but "thank god I'm not the lumbering lard ass I was when I came out here."
In the end, she came to accept herself (though she was happy she was thinner) and she won the boy. Lesson learnt - lose weight, grow your nails long, style your hair, dress in fancy clothes, get the respect of people you don't like AND get the boy.
It's been over twenty years since I read that book, yet those details still stick in my mind, and not because I thought it was good.
As a tall fat kid who turned into a tall fat teenager, who then grew into a taller fatter adult, I never fit the mold. Taller than average, bigger than average - it wasn't what being feminine was. Not from what I'd seen in movies or on TV, or read in books. Women needed to be smaller and slighter than men to be feminine. Not being feminine meant not being attractive, right?
In my younger years, that was definitely how I saw it. Who'd want the tall, fat ginger girl? The boys at school made it pretty clear they weren't interested, but that's a topic for another time. I couldn't help but long for those romance novel moments, but I knew no one would come to literally sweep me off my feet like that, and feel depressed knowing it wouldn't happen.
Even in my late teens and early twenties, these ingrained beliefs were still there. I couldn't be feminine like that. I could get dolled up for going out and try to make myself pretty, but I never felt feminine. I was too tall and too big. I had conversations about this with my sister, who was taller than me but of a 'normal' weight. She didn't feel feminine either. At a teeny tiny smidge beneath 6', she was taller than most of the guys, which a lot of guys aren't comfortable with. I'm the shortest kid in my family at 5'9.5" (our brothers are 6'1" and 6'3"), and that half an inch really means a lot to me. The times when I felt the most feminine previously was when I would be at work standing around with two of my friends who were 6'7" and 6'4". I felt positively girly there, feeling so "normal" in height next to them. That's what my years of bad romance fiction had led me to believe was "right." The guy is taller than the girl. The girl needs to look up to the man. There needs to be that physical subservience in play. Most men are stronger than I am, but that's something I could easily change if I really wanted to, but I can't make myself shorter without lopping my legs off. Even if I wasn't fat, I'd never be a slim enough for a man to wrap his hands around my waist like they do in the movies. I have a large frame, and I'll never be a size in the single digits.
Shaking these beliefs has been hard. I can feel pretty. I can feel gorgeous. I can feel beautiful. But feeling feminine? That's something very different. I needed to redefine what being feminine meant to me. It's very much still a work in progress, but it starts with choosing to not let the Hollywood ideal of anything be what I base my beliefs on. Romance can definitely happen, but fairytales aren't worth looking for. Happily ever after only happens if you work hard at it and learn how to weather the storms together and hold on during the bumps.
Accepting myself as I was, learning to love myself and my body, was the first step. Current social trends still say that fat is ugly, but I know it's not true. I don't expect everyone to find me attractive, because I certainly don't find everyone I meet attractive. I don't need to be fashionable, just accepted. Curves are hot, but only if they're "in the right places", not all over, according to Western thinking. Understanding that it's not about what others think, but what I feel makes the difference. It's about me feeling feminine, not what random folks on the street think.
It boils down to a few things - how I feel emotionally, and how I feel physically. Doing small things to improve how I feel about both make a big difference. Painting my finger and toe nails always makes me feel girly. Right up until the polish chips, anyway. Putting a bit of effort into my hair, but not over styling it. Enough product to give it the curl I want and take away the frizz I don't want, without spending hours in front of the mirror battling the straightener or hair dryer that I've never really mastered. Clothes that fit well and emphasis what I want to focus on rather than just covering my body. Dressing for my shape and not inappropriately. I don't wear make up very often, but I moisturise and use sunscreen to keep it soft and smooth.
The one area I really struggle in, is with shoes. I have large feet. They're a 12.5 extra wide in Australian women's sizing (at least a 14 in US women's), and while I can get shoes the right length, it's a lot harder finding ones the right width. Then trying to find them in the style and price I want...it's near impossible. I want girly shoes. I want pretty feet. I can't change the size of my feet, and due to the lack of choices out there, feeling feminine about them is very hard. It's definitely a work in progress.
I don't need to do this for other people. I don't need to lose weight or dress a certain way to fit in and make other people happy. I want to feel feminine for me. It's my take on feeling feminine that's important, and the definition only has to fit me. I'm not trying to redefine it for other women out there, as it's not a one size fits all ideal.
Part of this need to redefine femininity is because who I am has changed. I've gone from being maiden to mother, girly to womanly. What is appropriate at 17 is different to what's appropriate at 34. Embracing who I am and how I feel when I'm at my best isn't all about how I look or what I present to the world. It's something that needs to come from inside, and I can't let it be defined by women I'll never be. It's about having the confidence to me, and to be the best me I can. It's about embracing who I am and what I have to offer. It might involve a little makeup, a little styling and some fancy shoes, or it might involve a bubble bath and a trashy novel. I can feel feminine with my hair thrown up in a haphazard ponytail as I attempt to dance around the house in my daggy clothes while I do the housework, enjoying how my body feels, or dolled up and looking fancy for a night out.
Feeling feminine isn't all about being pretty or on display. It's not about being shorter than men or small enough to be picked up. It's not about boobs and hips and how much you have of either. It's about how I feel about me and embracing my womanliness. It's something that will continue to evolve as I get older, especially as I move from mother to crone. Feeling feminine isn't just for the young, pert and wrinkle free.
Self acceptance, self confidence and self awareness are the goal. That's what I'm aiming for. Not letting other people decide who or what I should be. Not being a certain size, weight or height. The relationship I have with myself is the one relationship that will always be there. There is no guarantee that anyone else will be in my life forever, so I need to make sure the relationship I have with myself is one I enjoy. Feeling feminine isn't a necessary part of that, but it feels good. And when we feel good, we're happier. Being happy is definitely something I enjoy and want more of, so understanding and reworking or removing those old, outdated and unwanted ideals helps me to keep that happiness more easily.
Have I redefined femininity successfully? I don't know. Do I always feel feminine? No. Do I feel more feminine than I used to? Oh, yes. I believe it's a work in progress, something fluid that needs to be adjusted rather than whittled into a particular shape. It's something I think about, but I'm not going to let it define me, even if I'm trying to define it.
